Sep 4, 2019

Unbalanced.....

I have 30 minutes before my daughter's volleyball practice. My insides are stirring, so I write.

My son left for college mid-August. It was a whirlwind getting him moved in, settled, and acclimated. It all just happened so fast.

Really, I did not have time to be sad. Not a moment. Too many things to look over, prepare for, and figure out with him.

College is a whole new world. LITERALLY.

A few weeks have gone by...and the stillness hits like an arrow in my heart.

Just typing this I feel the soft lump forming in my throat. My eyes watery and lip quivering.

My friend Mary said it best...it just feels unbalanced when a child leaves the nest. And, she is right.

I have thought about her wise words so many times when things just start to feel...weird.

Unbalanced. That is exactly how it feels.

As I made breakfast this morning, I got out 4 plates. I do this almost every single time. Realizing that I only needed 3, I turned to take the extra to the cabinet. I had to force back tears. Who has time to cry? I have to get my daughter to school, then on to teach my morning YogaFaith class.

I miss him.

I miss his presence.

I miss his voice.

I miss seeing his car in the driveway.

I miss his hugs.

I miss the gentle slump of his shoulders hovered over his breakfast each morning.

This is hard.

Memories and flashbacks flood my mind constantly. I will pass something while driving and have a vivid memory.

We passed a church on Sunday that I made my kids stand in front of in their pajamas to snap a picture one cold December evening because the church was so beautiful and simple. That memory sears my mind.

Friday's are fun Friday's around our house. We always do something fun after school. Like, get an ice cream or a coke from the store.

It's different now.

I miss those little things.

We have made a life of little memories and traditions.

Motherhood is weaved into every memory and fabric of my heart and soul. There is nothing on Earth, besides being Lem's wife, that has ever brought me greater joy.

It is also the hardest thing I have ever and will ever do. Pride is out the window with motherhood. It just humbles you in a way....a way that draws your knees to the carpet and your forehead to the floor.

When our children are struggling or sick, or having a difficult time we feel their pain in our bones.

There is no heartache than that of motherhood.

Nothing reaches inside of you and takes hold of every vessel, ligament, and organ like motherhood.

Women were created to nurture. Whether we have our own children or not...Jesus made us this way. We take care of people and things.

Unbalanced.

This is how it feels with one less in the home.

Yes, he will still come home from time to time.

But, the new normal remains.

It is physically painful at times.

But, I know it is good. I know this is God's plan.

For those of you with littles...keep making those memories.

Be present.

Be still.

Notice.

Take in.

Look them in the eyes and listen.

Write down things they say.

Make traditions. Millions of them.

Stay home more.

Engage more.

Laugh more.

You will be so glad you did.

You will never regret being with your children too much. I promise you that.

At times you feel you need a break and a breather...I get it.

But, it happens fast. The growing up part.

Trust me on this one.

You will get plenty of quiet and breaks soon enough.


finding balance,


jill


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