|so, after I posted this...|
i received this in my inbox. it is from another blog that i am subscribed to.
coincidence? no way.
As I write to you now, I am very tired. My eyes are blood shot because I had zero sleep.
I have a doctor's appointment today, and for the last 3 days my mind has been consumed with fear.
Fear of the worst possible scenario.
Here's where I am exposed and you see the many weaknesses in my walk. Fear is something that I struggle with on a daily, moment by moment basis.
Fear is what keeps me from living the life that He has so richly planned for me.
Fear is where my faith and my flesh meet and battle it out for Truth.
Don't get me wrong, some days are better than others. However, at this very second, my mind and my flesh have gotten the best of me.
It makes me so mad. My faith and love for God is real. Very, very real. He is so intimate with me on a daily basis. He reveals Himself to me in many ways. We are tight.
However, when fear creeps in, my awareness of Him dissipates. Not because He leaves, but because I leave.
I go running to the nearest rock to cling on to for dear life. It is almost like everything goes black and I have tunnel vision. I make up a million scenarios of "what-ifs" and replay them in my little head until I am physically nauseous.
I'm being completely real. I do not know any other way to be. Especially given my tiredness and lack of sleep.
Girls, I would be lying if I told you that I had this fear thing figured out. I don't.
I know the verses to go to, I know the prayers to pray, I know the people to reach out to. However, my flesh gets the best of me, and the disconnect happens.
I say the right words, but my heart and my mind fear the opposite. My head conjures up pictures and scenarios of the future that I imagine and it frightens me so much.
So, as I read Romans this morning, I had to insert my name in one of the passages. Because today, I am like the Israelites that Paul is preaching to.
Here is the scripture: "For I can testify about them that they are zealous for God, but their zeal is not based on knowledge." Romans 10:2
Here is the way I translate it this morning: "For I can testify about Jill, that she is zealous for God, but her zeal is not based on knowledge."
I looked up the definition of zealous: ardently active, devoted, or diligent.
In other words, I am devoted, diligent, and ardently active, but I struggle with the knowledge that God will save me and protect me. I can quote scripture after scripture regarding God's protection, His love, His peace; however, when fear kicks in there is a huge gaping hole in my knowledge.
It seeps out the nearest crevice, and let's the huge ugly monster of fear into this little heart of mine.
So, this is where I'm at this morning girls. This faith journey is a daily walk for me. Yes, the encouragement comes natural, it is a God-given gift. However, the walk for myself is what is the hardest.
If today, you are struggling with some fear, with some doubt, with some "what-ifs", you are not alone, friend. I too, am holding your hand and walking down that foggy path with you.
A lot of times, that strength and that peace will wash over me. Other times, I keep that crevice open for it to slip back out and let the fear make it's way in my heart and mind.
I hear Paul speaking to me this morning, loud and clear. I don't want to be just zealous in my actions and words, but also zealous in my heart and in my knowledge of Him.
Zealous from the inside out.
daily fighting the battle,
"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul." psalm 94:19