Oct 19, 2017

There goes my heart.....

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So, I thought I would post this while it is still raw. If I wait too long the words will fall flat. [Just like my hair mid-July.]

Today my son drove to school for the first time. He turned 16 in August.

If you would have told me 3 years ago that I would not be a basket case all day, I would have laughed in your cute face.

Well, I was not a basket case.

Let me rephrase, I was not a basket case all day.

When I saw his red tail lights pull out something inside of me went numb.

Like, a weird heart stopping surreal moment.

It would be the first time in 12 years that I have not driven this kid to school.

The first time I had not prayed for him in the car on the way.

The first time my daughter got to ride shot gun the whole entire way to her school.

Yesterday, I did not realize it would be officially the last time I would drive him. Why didn't someone tell me?

Like, when my daughter stopped taking baths. Why didn't someone tell me that the last time I would run the water over her little blonde head would be that day?

Or, when my son stopped wanting to sleep on the floor in our room. I don't remember how it stopped, it just did.

Motherhood is hard.

It's about letting go.

Over and over and over.

I don't want to let go though.

I want to hang on white knuckled to these days. These moments. These seconds.

However, I know they will change yet again.

There will be more change. More loss. More seasons of hard.

We toughen up somewhat through the seasons. We adapt a little better each time. We feel the same pain of letting go, but we know there is good on the other side.

We just have to get used to the new normal of change.

Mom's of teenagers, you know what I mean.

You know this new normal.

It's a terrifying season in so many ways.

Yet, who do I trust?

Do I trust that I can protect my son and guard him 24/7?

Or do I put my trust in the One who knitted that boy together in this womb of mine 16 years ago.

The One who knows the very number of hairs on his sandy blonde head.

The One who put the sparkle in his light green eyes.

The One, the only One, who sees the length and breadth of my boy's days here on Earth.

I will trust Him.

He loves this boy of mine more than I do.

Impossible to fathom, but I know it to be true.

As I watched him walk out the door, I realized....

I had to believe what I had taught him all those years.

All of those scriptures about God's love for us. God's protection over us. God's sovereignty. God's peace. God's will to be done....

The rubber met the road in those moments.

Do I trust Him with my boy?

Or, do I take back everything I have ever impressed on this boy's heart and fall apart in front of him begging him to stay and to never leave this place.

From the moment those babies of ours leave the safe haven of our womb, we begin the letting go process.

Our Father knows how we feel.

He sent His Son to Earth to be beaten, scoffed at, abused, spat upon, murdered on a bloody Cross.

He knew these things had to happen in order for His perfect plan to be accomplished.

I believe it is the same with our children.

God has a perfect plan for their lives.

We are a big part of it...

But, we have to trust God with His plan for them. His will for their lives.

We plant the seeds....

God makes them grow.

If we hover over our children, they don't get the chance to grow. Just like a seed with shadows instead of sunlight.

The seeds need the light of day, the space to grow, to flourish.

So do our children.

God hears our prayers over their lives.

Before Joseph walked out the door this morning,  I read this passage in 2 Peter.

It gripped my heart and reminded me of my calling as a mother.

I prayed it as a letter to my son.

Dear Joseph,

12So I will always remind you of these things, even though you know them and are firmly established in the truth you now have. 13I think it is right to refresh your memory as long as I live in the tent of this body, 14because I know that I will soon put it aside, as our LORD Jesus Christ has made clear to me. 15And I will make every effort to see that after my departure you will always be able to remember these things [2 Peter 1:12-15]


Momma's, keep refreshing their memories. Remind them of what you have taught them.

Make every effort.


letting Jesus take the wheel,


jill