Jun 6, 2017

Katie Couric and me....

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[original post 1/1/16]

At the beginning of every New Year, I get butterflies in my stomach. I feel anxiety come on, and it makes me feel nauseous.

It all started about ten years ago.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

My family and I were in Orlando. Everyone was out by the pool at our hotel except for me and my one year old baby. It was her morning naptime, so we had come back inside the hotel room.

She was sound asleep and I had turned on the television.

The Today Show was on, and I began watching it. It just so happened to be Katie Couric's last day on the show. I loved her! I had always loved every segment of hers because she just lit up the room.

They were replaying old segments of her with the saddest music ever. Before long I was crying my eyes out in that hotel room by myself.

She was so darn cute. And smart. And successful. And loved.

Everyone loved Katie Couric. Including me.

And, well, here I was. Alone in a hotel room. Baby food splattered on my shirt. Two day old hair that still had knots in it from riding rides at Disney. Surrounded by baby toys, pink princess floaties, diapers and wipes. Impressive.

I sappily watched Katie's brilliant life being played out on t.v., while my life looked like Loserville in comparison.

She was 49 years old when she left the Today Show.

At that time, I was 30, with not a glimpse of a chance at a life like hers.

I cried. And cried. And cried.

In that moment I made a vow that I would make something of myself. Anything but who I was. A stay at home mom with stained shirts was not the life I wanted anymore. I wanted to be like Katie Couric. I wanted to be loved. Adored. Cute. Spunky. Successful. And well, just more.

 Before I could even wipe my tears and blow my nose, I heard my daughter crying in the other room. Well, naptime was over.

Back to reality.

Back to Loserville.

A few months passed and the year was coming to an end. This was my chance. My chance to make something of myself I thought.

A NEW YEAR, a new me! Yay!

I sat my husband down and talked to him about all of my big plans for the "new me".

He patiently listened. And listened. And listened.

After I spilled my heart out to him that cold December day, all he had to say was this..."Aww, you are just fine the way you are. I love you and that is all that should matter."

Thud.

Not what I wanted to hear. At all.

Words of encouragement are not his thing. Obviously.

So, as the dawn of a new year was on the horizon, a sadness came across my heart. An anxious feeling that haunted me. A feeling that made me wonder if the end of the next year would bring the same boring scenario for my life....the same old me.

With each passing year since Katie left the Today show, I have felt this same feeling. The feeling that tells me that I am just not quite enough. I need to be more to really make a difference. To really be somebody.

However, this year is different.

Something changed.

Something has settled in my 40 year old heart.

40 is a very powerful and biblical number. Story after story from the Bible speaks about the number 40. The Israelites wandered for 40 years before entering the Promised Land. The rain fell for 40 days on Noah's ark when the rain flooded the world. Jesus fasted for 40 days before His teaching ministry began.

There is something about 40 that brings change. Whether it's 40 days or 40 years.

This year has definitely brought a lot of change. A change in our family.  A change in our living situation. And many more changes.

A lot of change in one year.

As I prepared to write this post, I just kept thinking of Nehemiah. I love Nehemiah. He was a cupbearer for the King. Which literally means, he brought the King his cup of wine each day. Yet, God laid it on his heart to rebuild a wall around Jerusalem to protect the people. Nehemiah was so concerned about the people in Jerusalem. They were falling away from their faith and being destroyed by their enemies. He weeped, prayed and fasted for them night after night.

When I heard these things, I sat down and wept. For some days I mourned and fasted and prayed before the God of heaven. Then I said:
Lord, the God of heaven, the great and awesome God, who keeps his covenant of love with those who love him and keep his commandments, let your ear be attentive and your eyes open to hear the prayer your servant is praying before you day and night for your servants, the people of Israel. I confess the sins we Israelites, including myself and my father’s family, have committed against you. We have acted very wickedly toward you. We have not obeyed the commands, decrees and laws you gave your servant Moses. Nehemiah 1:4-7
 
Nehemiah led a pretty cozy life. He didn't have to leave the comforts of the King's palace to go help these people, yet, he did.

He ended up encouraging the people of Jerusalem and rebuilding the wall. It was an amazing feat! It only took them 52 days to rebuild it. 52 days!

The people were amazed. Their hearts quickly turned back to God because of  one's man courage, faith, and love for these people.

Here is what I find interesting about this story....

Nehemiah didn't build a whole new city from scratch...he just helped rebuild the wall.

Rebuilding the wall is all it took for restoration to take place and the people's heart to be restored back to God.

Nehemiah didn't have to have great skill, good looks, or much education to do this great work. He just had to hear God's voice, and have the boldness to go and do the job.

There are some areas in my life this year that need a little rebuilding. A little work to repair some of the breeches.

I don't need to find a whole new me to make a difference in this world. I just need to rebuild a few areas God has called me to work on. I just have to say YES to His plan and design for my life. Not for Katie Couric's life.

When we try to design our life like another's we end up having not being of much use in God's Kingdom. He designed each of us for very specific tasks. It is not up to us to decide that our tasks are not "enough". He is the Potter, we are the clay.

What needs a little rebuilding in your life this year?

Your marriage? Your prayer life? Your bible reading? Your friendships? Your finances? Your gifts and talents?

Whatever it is, go, and don't look back.

One of my very favorite passages from the book of Nehemiah is this, "I am doing a great work, and I cannot come down." Nehemiah 6:3

The next time the enemy whispers in your precious ear that you are not "enough". Shoot this scripture right back at him with a fiery fervency..."I am doing a great work, and I cannot come down."

You are enough.

Because God created you in His very own image. [Genesis 1:27]

Imagine that.

You shine the brightest when you are who He created you to be.

A little rebuilding, a little restoration. That's all we need.

Your greatest work has already begun. Before you were even born...

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
     Psalm 139:13-16


goodbye Katie Couric,


jill