It's been a bit since I have written. Sure feels good to sit down at my kitchen table, sunlight pouring in and splattering the hardwood floor. Sunshine makes everything look lovely.
Even this computer screen. Somehow it casts an angelic glow on the sterile, dusty, white screen, beckoning for words to be typed.
I hear you, computer screen. Sometimes we just need a little warmth to make us come alive again.
The last few months, I have been a little tormented of spirit. Nothing major. Just annoying, And confusing. Did I mention annoying?
Some things have come to a head regarding my prayer life. Meaning, a few prayers have not been answered.
I've spent a lot of time talking to God about this. Pouring my heart out to him and not really getting the reply I desire. Crickets.
I'm tired of praying the same prayer. TIRED.
So, during these months I have been seeking Him fervently. Okay, really I was trying to twist God's arm and make Him answer my prayers.
I have quoted scripture to Him in my prayers. Believing every word. Really, believing and standing on the promises they held for my prayers.
However, during these months, a revelation of sorts has finally fallen on my not-so-willing-to-listen heart. Something God has been trying to reveal to me all along, but I just would not shut-up long enough to hear Him.
He wants me to have a quiet heart.
When He first revealed this to me through scriptures and through books I was reading, I had it all wrong regarding what this meant.
I thought a quiet heart meant that I was supposed to drop everything and just seek Him until my prayer was answered.
I thought a quiet heart meant that I should be less talkative and lessen my relations to people. This is hard for a sanguine, relational gal.
I thought a quiet heart meant to spend every waking hour praying the prayer that was on my heart and believing He would answer perfectly in line with the script I had prepared.
A quiet heart is none of these things.
A quiet heart is content.
A quiet heart does not make demands to God, or anyone for that matter.
A quiet heart wakes up each day with a thankful heart not dependent on circumstances, but only on His Grace.
A quiet heart expects nothing, but receives everything because it all comes from God.
A quiet heart desires God more than it desires what God can give.
Clearly, my heart had not been quiet.
"Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength." Isaiah 30:15
My heart was not at rest, nor at peace.
Which, still takes me by surprise due to the amount of time I had spent with Him.
Or had I been with Him? Perhaps, I had been just with my thoughts and my desires. Overlooking His will, His thoughts, His desires for me.
My time with Him consisted of a lot of me talking, and talking, and rationalizing why this prayer needed to be answered. I had not done much listening.
Had I trusted that each day was filtered through His hands and that He is "before all things, and in Him all things hold together?" Colossians 1:17
I did believe those things. However, I didn't trust in those things.
Surely, if I pray more, and more, and more, He will answer. These were my thoughts.
A heart of strife, not a heart of peace.
Please don't mistake this for giving up asking for something through prayer. This is not what I am saying. I am saying that in my case, I had somewhere along the way made this prayer an idol and it was interfering with my peace and the quietness of my heart. Contentment had vanished.
I came across a quote in one of my books by Elisabeth Elliot...it says, "The secret is Christ in me, not a different set of circumstances."
Somewhere along the way, my contentment was tied into this desire that I prayed for, longed for, and grieved for.
My heart had forgotten that the Lord provides the daily bread, at His discretion, for His Glory. Not mine.
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised. Job 1:21
All along, through all these long days of longer than long prayers and striving....
He just wanted me to be content.
A quiet heart.
Content with what He gives.
Because, He knows it is what I really need.
LORD, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure. Psalm 16:5
finding my quiet,