Dec 29, 2015

When darkness swallows you whole....

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Over the past 4 years, I have been very transparent with you about my struggle with fear. I believe it has been my biggest stronghold, yet it has also been my biggest victory. Fear has no place in my life anymore because faith could not live where fear was dwelling.

However, from time to time, a sprout of that fear comes back begging to haunt me and taunt me. Now, I have my ammunition ready to obliterate it. The Word of God.

Here is what I have learned with the enemy: if he can't take you down with one thing, he will sure as heck try to knock you down with something else.

So, I write this post to encourage any one of you that may struggle with this very thing that I am about to talk about. It's something that we often bury deep down within us because it is too messy and too ugly to even talk about. It can also be one of those things that we decide we just have to live with because we don't know how to make it go away.

Depression.

There, I said it. It is out there. For all the world to see.

I hate even typing that word. It is ugly and dark.

Yet, it is so powerful and has the force to take out any one of us at any time if we aren't armed for the fight.

The enemy loves depression because it actually depresses us. Meaning, it takes all the wind of the Holy Spirit out of our sails and sinks our little joyful ship.

It has the power to suck the living daylight out of our souls. Depression can leave an indelible mark on our hearts and our minds. Yet, we are the only ones that really know the depth of the scar because it is not visible.

Depression can come at any time. Nothing has to happen, nothing has to trigger it. It can just come out of nowhere and knock you straight down to the ground with one fail swoop.

If you are in a place where you are struggling to find joy. If you are in a place where you don't even know the words to convey to someone else to try and seek help and healing...

I have good news for you.

There is a way out.

For many years I thought these "thoughts" in my head were just normal:

"You are not good enough and never will be."

"You fail at being a wife miserably."

"You are not a good mother to your children."

"You are a terrible friend."

"You have no talents."

"You have no use here."

"Just shut your mouth because no one wants to hear you."


When the thoughts would come I would shake them off and just try to forget about them. OR, I would believe these thoughts and it would effect every aspect of my behavior.

 Finally, I became worn out trying to convince the enemy in my head that these things were not true. So, I ended up surrendering in defeat. Waving my white flag to the enemy and saying, "These things must be true. You win. I lose. You are right."

The deep dark blanket of depression then covered my entire soul. It was suffocating.  And fierce. And lonely.

I felt hopeless and useless.

Then one day....

I had a daughter.

One afternoon she expressed similar words to me that I had heard in my own head throughout my lifetime. She expressed to me some of those exact words that I had heard the enemy whisper in my ears.

I knew the pattern. I knew how the cycle would go. I had lived it my whole life. It starts as a whisper. Then the enemy has a full blown bullhorn in your ear screaming lies about who you are.

The enemy was now taunting my baby girl with those same words. Only whispers of doubt for now, but I knew the bullhorn would surely come.

Oh NO.

This was about to go DOWN.

Grabbing my bible off the nightstand, I conjured up every scripture that I could find to speak over her. I would read them night after night over her precious body as she lie asleep in her bed.

I was so mad at the enemy. So mad.

It was one thing to attack me, but a whole different thing to come after my baby girl.

Suddenly, my eyes were opened.

I could see the lies so clearly now.

I could see the enemy's tactics in the bright shining light of the Word of God being poured out over my little girl.

She is made in the image of God. [Genesis 1:27]

She is fearfully and wonderfully made. [Psalm 139:14]

She has the mind of Christ. [1 Corinthians 2:16]

She was knitted together in the womb by God. [Psalm 139:13]

Her tears are collected in a bottle by God. [Psalm 56:8]

Her name is engraved on the palm of God's hands. [Isaiah 149:16]

The hairs of her head are all numbered by the Lord. [Luke 12:7]


My eyes were opened to the fact that this was true for me too.

These words were not just for my precious daughter....these words were also for me.

Those dark days of depression could not stand a chance against the truth of His Love and Promises.

I just had to know them. I just had to believe them.

The blanket slowly lifted.

Freedom had finally come.

I never would have seen it if I had not seen it first hand with my daughter. The fight for her is what saved me from the dark.

Sometimes He uses those in our very midst to bring the healing.

He knew my love for her and fight for her would bring me to Truth.

Oh, and it did.

There are still days. Dark days where the blanket wants to smother me.

However, I go straight to my journal and write every truth He speaks over me in His Word.

I am not capable of winning the war without Him.

But...

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" Philippians 4:13

"The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." Psalm 18:2

If you are in a dark place today, I am praying over you. Covering you with the blanket of His Truth and burning the blanket of the enemy's lies. 

You are oh so loved by the Father. He sees you in this place. He has healing words for you. Will you seek Him today? Will you fight for your life with the One who will never leave you or forsake you?

Jesus tells you this..."The enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy. I have come so that you will have LIFE and life to the FULLEST." John 10:10


finding Joy,


jill