Mar 24, 2015

Who the heck am I?

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I remember it so vividly. It was snowing outside, and we were all at home enjoying a fun snow day.

The day before, I had bought a bottle of  dark brown color for my hair. I was tired of being blonde. It felt boring. And old.

As the kids and Lem were outside playing, I snuck into the bathroom and painted that dark dye all over my blonde hair.

Immediately, my hair sucked the color right up. My hair must have been parched and thirsty because it was drinking up this brown gooey dye faster than I could slop it on!

My heart skipped a beat for a minute. What in the world was I doing??

Oh my. Too late now. I had to finish the process or I would look like a really weird skunk.

The color sat on my hair for about 20 minutes and I hopped in the shower to wash my hair.

My shower turned dark brown and stayed that way for days. And days. Maybe even a month. Oops.

When I got out of the shower I got a glimpse of a brunette in the mirror. I almost jumped out of my skin!

Oh! It's me! The brunette in the mirror.

I will spare you the rest of the details. The shocking looks on my kids and my husband's face are still hard to forget. I will just leave you with this thought....my 5 year old daughter cried her ever-lovin' eyes out. And they weren't tears of joy.

This is just one episode of Jill trying to be anyone but Jill.

Can you relate?

Have you ever thought that if only you could be different, you would be a better version of you?

Thankfully, the Word of God brings wisdom.

I laugh and shudder at the same time over the many times I tried to change who I was.

Really, I had no idea who I really was. Nor did I want to know.

Thankfully, I found my identity in Christ. OH, and what an identity it is!

He has shown me who I am countless times, and I still can hardly believe His love for me!

He tells me, "I am His treasured possession" in Deuteronomy 7:6.

He tells me, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made", in Psalm 139:14.

He tells me, "I am the apple of His eye", in Psalm 17:8.

Over and over again in His Word I am reminded of who I really am.

You see, who I thought I was, was a big fat lie. A lie brought on by a seething enemy who wants nothing more than for me to be anything than what I was created to be.

For so many years, I wanted to be different. I wanted to be wittier, funnier, cuter, smaller, smarter...

Just to name a few.

I remember standing in the mirror pressing my fingers in my cheeks so that I could have dimples like the popular girl down the street when I was in the fourth grade.

I remember in my early twenties deciding I wanted to have a more "hippy" and "natural look". I decided to go without makeup, less combed hair and a new pair of Birkenstocks to work that day. After about 100 times of being asked if I was "sick", I went home and decided that look didn't suit me after all.

Story after story I could tell you of the many times I tried to change my looks, my personality, my everything.

However, when I began to study and ready God's Word it changed my life. Forever.

Slowly, day by day, God and I peeled back the layers upon layers of insecurities, masks, ad lies that had been collected over the years.

Some days, I would have to repeat scriptures over and over in order to change my thought pattern. This is when I began to memorize scripture. I would keep scripture with me at all times--my pockets, my purse, my car...everywhere! This was before the bible app was created! :)

I literally had to "take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ" as the Apostle Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians 10:5.

Soon after my thoughts were captured by His Word and Truth, my behavior started to catch on.

Where the mind goes the man [or woman] follows.

My mind had to be saturated with Truth before my insecure behavior could change.

Can I just tell you about the freedom that has come since surrendering all of this junk to Christ?

Joy replaced anxiety.

Confidence replaced insecurity.

Assurance replaced doubt.

Faith replaced fear.

Today, I want you to know this:

It is possible to love who God created you to be.

Everything is possible with God. Matthew 9:26

If you have convinced yourself that you are not special, loved, or desired just the way you are....

Please go to His Word.

Start with Psalm 139. Read the whole thing. Several times. Also, check out this post and be encouraged by His love for you.

You can ask my husband, my mom, my dad, my sister...those that know me the best. They will tell you. They have seen the proof of what God can do in the heart of a fearful insecure girl.

When I began to not just believe in God, but to believe God.....everything changed.


so long insecurity,


jill